The Relationship You Are Searching For

Relationship expert John Gottman shares, “Successful couples are those who are in touch with each other’s emotional and psychological worlds.” Indeed, a relationship can be no healthier than the emotional health of the weakest partner.

Many people think that time apart is the answer when things turn sour. However, 80% of marriages that enter into a separation end in divorce. Rather than avoiding intimacy, couples need to pull together during conflict to more deeply appreciate the makeup of their partner.

Taking time to get to know the person you are marrying is essential, and once the rings are exchanged this needs to be an ongoing process. When you understand your partner’s needs and how to meet them at the deepest level, you will find your passion reignited.

Two things to keep in mind: you can’t treat what you don’t see, and hurt people hurt people. By failing to properly see areas of hurt and places in need of repair, the problems only grow. Left untreated, hurting couples continue hurting one another until one of two things happens, they divorce or they detach.

While some 50% of marriages end in divorce, countless others are simply void of passion. By looking at couples in this state you would never know there is a problem, because they don’t fight. The reality is they gave up the fight long ago, and settled for a relationship without feeling.

Most couples find themselves in counseling after they have hit rock bottom, which is one of the reasons marriage counseling is often unsuccessful. (Sadly, this becomes ammunition for the couple’s intent to separate, falsely believing they gave it a try and that it just can’t be fixed.)

Let me share two new beliefs that can help in times of crisis. The first is from John Gottman, who says there is a clear correlation between positive and negative interactions in the healthiest marriages he observed. In short, it takes five positive moments to overcome one negative moment.

Many couples believe the lie that “marriage is 50–50”, meaning you give what you get. This is why so many couples are miserable. They are keeping score instead of giving from their heart with no expectation of receiving anything in return. If you simple give, you will have no problem having five positive moments for any negative interaction.

The second belief necessary for a healthy relationship is from Tim Clinton who stresses the daily walk where you realize that if you can live well for one day, then you can make it for two, and if you can make for two, then you can make if for three. In short, if you believe life is a battle, you will look for an enemy; if you believe life is a dance, you will look for a partner.

So examine carefully what you believe a relationship is for; is it to take, or is it to give freely because at your core you are one who is unselfish and seeking to give love to another because you are filled with passion and energy. Drop limiting beliefs, and embrace possibility, especially when it comes to the most important relationship in your life.