The Powerful Pick Three Strategy For Parents And Couples

Cloe Madanes offers a powerful technique that can reduce tension in most any relationship, especially for parents. It is called the ‘pick three strategy.’

Most people can only focus on a few things at a time when it comes to making a change. This is why this strategy is priceless, whether talking about parenting, work or relationships.

First, consider parenting. The pick three strategy means that if there is trouble with a child, then together decide on the three most important outcomes and behaviors you together agree will be abided by. Anything else is off limits.

For instance, maybe you determine the top three things you will focus on with a teenager are no drugs, no skipping school, and no breaking curfew. Once those are agreed upon, the other areas are left alone, such as clean your room, do your homework, get better grades or directing the teen on how to dress and who to hang around.

What this strategy does is give focus, and in turn freedom, because everyone knows what is expected and there are no surprises or new rules or changes to old rules or comments like, ‘Because I said so.’ This gives the teenager a sense of respect and a sense of responsibility because they are accountable in these three areas and agree to the consequences ahead of time.

This does not mean a home only has 3 rules. But when there is constant head butting and arguing, it is a possible signal that there is too much confusion and too much pressure and that expectations are too broad and unclear.

In relationships it applies equally well. As John Gottman found after 25 years of research on marriage, many couples still disagreed about the same things from the first year to their the tenth year together. (The reality is your wife may never appreciate your stuffed deer, and your husband may never pick up his socks.)

Though many couples argue over such matters, these are not the most important things to be focused on. So pick the three things that matter most and let the rest go. As Stephen Covey was fond of saying, “Life is short…so?”

With this strategy you can focus on what’s most important. In the end you will find the relationship’s quality improve and the things that used to bother you won’t anymore because you are receiving and giving to one another in the most important areas. Life is short, so why burn energy on things that are not worth fretting over?