The Passion and Love Your Relationship Deserves
In the 1800’s the immortal Mona Lisa was stolen from its home in a Paris museum. It was not recovered for a number of months. Incredibly more people came to see the empty nail than had come to see the actual painting!
There is something about human nature that tends to focus upon the negative. We see it in culture, in politics, in the media, and sadly in relationships.
The reality is that we all have to fight against “confirmation bias”; which is simply the process whereby we find evidence to support our beliefs by using selective perception that emphasizes the bad and ignores the good.
It is estimated that only about 25% of couples rate their marriages as truly fulfilling; this out of the 50% that don’t end in divorce. However, we now have research that is very clear about what detracts from the health of relationships as well as what increases the joy and passion in the best marriages.
In ancient Hebrew there are three words used to describe love. In short the three terms describe friendship, committed relationships, and sex. If any of these pieces is missing from a marriage trouble is not far behind.
For instance, if couples are friends but there is no commitment and no sex, they are really just roommates. If there is commitment but no friendship or sex, they are just holding on for the sake of holding on. And lastly, if there is sex but no commitment or no relationship, then you simply have two bodies engaged in a physical and empty act.
If you are not experiencing these three types of love, perhaps you are breaking some of the following rules and failing to understand what makes men and women so different.
For instance, studies show that women use approximately 40% more brain connectors than men, which means they are mentally more able to focus upon multiple tasks. One of the most common things wives complain about is that their husbands don’t listen to them, but the reality is that there is a strong chance that biologically the husband doesn’t hear the wife because he is deeply engaged in another activity.
The answer? Be sure you have his attention before relaying important information.
Secondly, women often complain that “he doesn’t talk to me.” While this is not a free pass to insensitive men, the reality is that men use about 20,000 words per day, whereas women use 40,000. (On the flip side of this argument men sometimes complain that their wives always want to talk and they don’t get enough quiet time.)
When both parties can understand (and appreciate) there is a physiological difference that is inbuilt, they can make adjustments from compassion and understanding instead of upset.
Along this line, Norman Wright shares research on the most bothersome statements that men and women make to one another.
Bothersome Statements Men Make To Women:
1. You don’t know what you are talking about.
2. I’ll do it later.
3. You don’t understand.
4. That makes no sense at all.
5. Where’d you get that idea?
6. Don’t be so emotional.
7. It cost too much, didn’t you check.
8. You are just like your mother.
Bothersome Statements Women Make To Men:
1. I’ll be ready in a minute.
2. Ask for directions.
3. Do you want me to repeat myself?
4. If you would have listened the first time.
5. Turn off the TV when I am talking to you.
6. You have a one track mind.
7. Don’t you care?
8. The kids learned that from you.
9. You weren’t like that before we got married.
So take a few moments and examine the statements above and how often you share these same thoughts, be it vocally or silently to yourself. Find better quality statements that focus on the positives instead, and refuse to use anything on these lists any longer.
Lastly, here are three great questions to ask one another that will help uncover deeper feelings between the two of you. Along with examining the above list, ask your spouse the following questions when the time is appropriate and you both agree that the moment is right for this conversation.
- What am I doing that I need to stop doing?
2. What am I not doing that you want me to start doing?
3. What am I doing that you want me to keep doing?
And finally, a powerful exercise for those who are in a very difficult time in their marriage is to take the next 72 hours and have each partner write down everything good they notice their spouses doing (no matter how small). Each person keeps this list private until the time period has expired, and then they share their lists with one another. This exercise will train your mind to see the bigger picture.
It is far easier to notice the negatives; we have unfortunately learned this as a defense mechanism after years of watching everyone else around us do the same thing. But doing what everyone else is doing is perhaps one of the biggest mistakes that people make. So choose a different standard, and begin enjoying the passion and love your relationship deserves!
