Simple Steps to a Miserable Marriage — Part 2
As we move into 2020, here are four more problem areas to be aware of if you plan to get married. (If you are already married here are some great areas to review with your spouse to see what adjustments can be made to take your relationship to the next level!)
STEP ONE: MAKE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS
That is, don’t bother to identify and explore your very different and unexpressed expectations with your partner. This includes all the small details that people take for granted when dating, such as:
Where will you spend holidays? Will you have kids? How many? Will they attend public or private school? How will discipline be enforced? How will money be spent? What if a job offer from out of state is made, will you consider moving? How will household chores be handled? What about meeting sexual needs? What do you and your partner believe about God and faith? What type of spending habits do you have? What boundaries will be set in place with in-laws?
Let’s be honest, when people are dating they often have no opinion, at least none they share. They are “fine” with whatever movie or restaurant or place their partner wants to hang out at. However, when it comes to considering marriage, you have to make your expectations clear in all areas.
Getting to know your partners expectations is crucial, as is making your own made known. A great book to read and consider together whether you are married or not is Willard Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs.
STEP TWO: BASE YOUR DECISION ON A NARROW RANGE OF EXPERIENCES
That is, believe routine dating has prepared you for a lifelong union. A recent survey asked Americans what character trait they most despised. The number one answer was dishonesty. Yet, dating is often a time where people are less than truthful, most often on their very best behavior.
So how do you truly get to know your partner? The only answer is to really take time to get to know who you are with and to be ruthlessly honest.
It is often said that the thing that brings a couple together is the very thing that will drive them apart. What at first is her “spontaneous spirit” eventually becomes “irresponsibility.” His “forgetfulness” that was cute in the beginning becomes “unthoughtfulness.” On and on it goes. Life is about learning.
Solomon states, “Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her” (Proverbs 3:13–15).
Spend time learning about marriage before you walk down the aisle. Learn and discuss what others have uncovered about making a relationship last; and learn from those who have seen relationships die. Again, be completely honest with one another.
STEP THREE: TEST YOUR COMPATIBILITY BY LIVING TOGETHER FIRST
That is, believing you gauge long term success with a trial run. Roughly 30% of college students are cohabitating, and more and more people are no longer finding the idea of living together morally wrong. Aside from the spiritual and moral discussion, massive sociological research shows that cohabitating actually undermines the future of a marriage.
It may sound logical to some people who think, why not test things out. But here is the reality, it doesn’t work. Research shows that people who live together before marriage divorce at twice the rate. There is also a marked increase in domestic violence and a decrease in marital satisfaction. You cannot test run something that is meant to be permanent.
STEP FOUR: IGNORE UNADDRESSED PERSONALITY OR BEHAVIORAL ISSUES
That is, assume your love will change your partner. This one is not last because it is the least important. On the contrary, this is probably one of the biggest mistakes a person can make. Bill Hybels says it well:
“In most cases an unhappy single person will be an unhappy married person. A bitter, angry single person will be a bitter, angry married person. A greedy single person will be a greedy married person. An impatient single person will be an impatient married person. Marriage does not produce life or character transformations. Such changes are produced by the inner work of the Holy Spirit, which is not dependent on one’s marital status…Don’t misunderstand. Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But, if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way.”
Along with the myth that marriage will ensure your happiness, believing you can change someone is one of the biggest causes of heartache for countless people. Will marriage make you happy? The truth is, it may or it may not. Will someone change? They may or they may not, but it will be because they made a decision to change, not because you put a ring on their finger.
So there you have it, eight killers of marriage. Already married? Perhaps these will give you insight into how to make your relationship better and help you see the source of some problems.
There is a great shirt that some girls wear that says, “”If you want a Proverbs 31 woman, you have to be a Proverbs 1–30 man.” Get wisdom and use it with extreme caution so that your marriage will be one that is passionate and one that lasts!
