Simple Steps To A Miserable Marriage: Part 1
Groucho Marx once said, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution.”
It has been stated, “In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.”
Then it was comedian Rodney Dangerfield who said, “My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
And lastly, Henry Youngman said, “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant for some good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
But all kidding aside, perhaps Adam said it best: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man” (Genesis 2:23).
Car dealers call it the “buying mood.” Auto industry insiders are aware that the majority of people will buy a new car within 48 hours of walking into the first showroom. After that the mood wears off, and good judgment often prevails, as least for the few.
Real estate agents know it too, as one shared: “When they are in the mood, it’s unbelievable. A woman will buy a house because she likes the laundry room. A man will walk into the garage and envision where his workshop will be and it’s a done deal. They don’t check the heating or plumbing. They work fast, they sign.”
And there is also a marrying mood. In our culture 95% of people will be married at some point in their life. But estimates show that only about 25% of those people live in a fulfilled relationship. It was Socrates who shared, “By all means marry. If you get a good spouse, twice blessed you will be. If you get a bad spouse, you’ll become a philosopher.”
We were made for relationship, it is just many people don’t understand how to live in one very well. Barbara Deangelis made the point that if you put a man and a woman on an island alone they are going to fall in love, it is a natural part of who we are and what everyone craves.
However, marriage is not always the answer, and below are a number of mistakes culled from various sources. Having performed countless weddings and counseled numerous couples, below are some things for each of us to pay attention to. So whether you are married or in the marrying mood, please take time to consider the following steps to a miserable marriage.
STEP ONE: MARRY TOO QUICKLY
Many people rush in without taking time to get to know the person they are considering marrying. Life can be hard, and seeing someone else enter our life like a long awaited savior can dull our critical thinking.
Here is the problem: a person who grabs a life preserver, dates ferociously for a few months, and then marries is opening the door for disaster. Pretty soon it gets difficult to carry someone who has been holding on so tight you can’t breath, so you ask for a little room, the drowning spouse sees this as rejection, and the problems start.
So go slow; and after that go slower. With the challenges of marriage, it is important to get to know people.
Also noted among counselors, here are some red flags that raise the rate of problems in marriage you need to definitely pay attention to:
a) Marrying before 20
b) Growing up in a home with parents who were unhappily married (If this is you then you need to deal honestly with your feelings and have a plan to handle any conflict that might arise.)
c) Being children of divorce (Same as above.)
d) Your partner is already divorced.
e) Cohabitating before marriage (More on this later.)
STEP TWO: MARRY TOO YOUNG
That is, marrying before you know who you really are. This is not about age but about spiritual and emotional health. No relationship can be healthier than the least healthy of the two individuals.
The Bible has a word for this growth: wisdom. As Solomon notes, “Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).
It is not about having everything figured out, that is something that we all do a little bit more of daily in life. However, it does mean that you are moving down the path to understanding yourself and other people.
STEP THREE: MARRY TOO EAGERLY
That is, believe marriage will fix all your problems and heal your brokenness. This is also known as having unrealistic expectations. There is only one Person who can say, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you” (John 14:27) and “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst” (John 4:14).
A spouse can say no such thing, nor can they promise anything close, nor can they bring healing only the Creator can. Put another way; get yourself healthy before you get yourself married.
STEP FOUR: MARRY TO PLEASE YOUR _________. (Mom, Dad, roommate, etc.)
That is, make life-shaping decisions to please other people. When I was in college the president would constantly warn students about their parents’ expectations. He would share that for many of the students, their parents would not ask about the school or about their classes or about their roommates, but rather would want to know, did you meet someone yet. He wisely cautioned against feeling pressured to rush in to a relationship.
Don’t marry for anyone else, but only because you have prayed it through and have found a committed partner who is willing to fight to make your marriage what God intended it to be. So remember, go slow, and then go slower.
Stay tuned for part two.
