Creating A Valentine’s Day You Will Remember

Once there was a peculiar set of parents who name their son Odd. All through childhood and into adolescence he was made fun of because of his name. When he married he had to explain to everyone that his name was indeed Odd.

He became so angry that on his 50th birthday he told his wife he hated his name so much that when he died not to put his name on his tombstone. Instead the only thing to be written was the date he was born and the date that he died.

Sure enough when he died fifteen years later his wife did as he had wanted. To this day people walk through that cemetery and when they come upon that tombstone, inevitably they say, “Isn’t that odd?” It seems that some people never escape their past!

I was intrigued when I heard a millionaire share that a big lesson he learned about success is that when he had arrived he realized that he had brought his old self with him. He came to understand that the amount of money was not the true measure of his accomplishments, but how he handled the inner game of life. He was able to overcome his old tendencies by growing his character and leaving the past behind.

When it comes to relationships, this is a key area that determines how healthy a bond will be. Neil Clark Warren says, “Emotional health is the single most important quality to marital health. No marriage can be any healthier than the least emotionally healthy spouse.” No one is completely free of baggage, but a good rule of thumb is to get yourself healthy before you get yourself married (or dating).

In a similar vein, Les Parrot shares, “If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting whole on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself and they will fall dismally flat.”

Professionally we know more today about what makes or breaks marriages than ever before. Groundbreaking studies in the past decade have revealed tremendous understanding about what creates healthy relationships.

It is absolutely crucial that both partners have begun the difficult work to achieve emotional and spiritual health. If you are already in a relationship, then it is doubly important that you address these issues; while at the same time helping one another go to the next level in personal growth.

Research by Dr. John Gottman has shown that how you define your marriage and its history will with 94% accuracy determine if it will last. Want to do something romantic for Valentine’s Day? Take an hour and remember where you have come from together and listen to your descriptions of the past.

Was your first year of marriage hell on earth, or was it a time of fascinating discovery? When you slept on the floor because you couldn’t afford a bed, did it make you appreciate that you had all you needed when you looked into your partner’s eyes, or did it build up resentment that still carries over until today?

The great thing about this exercise is that in a moment of decision you can choose a new, more powerful meaning for any event. You can see the struggles as a time when your bond was strengthened in ways you hadn’t yet appreciated.

And one final exercise, especially for those single people and couples who are not yet married. Along with being sure that you have begun creating emotional and spiritual health, take time to make up two lists. (If you are married your lists may have changed, but take the time to complete this exercise as well.) One is a list of things you “can’t stand”, the other is a list of “must haves.”

Look at your relationship through the lens of these two lists. Then, discuss your lists together as a couple. Now, what needs to happen to make things the way they should be? And lastly, what are you going to do about it?