A Ten Cow Woman, And The Secret To A Better Marriage

I took a marriage counseling course with instructor Greg Smalley who told us he called his fiancée a “ten cow woman” when they were dating. He then went on to explain that several years ago in a small village in Hawaii it was the custom for the men to propose to a woman by offering his future father-in-law a cow.

For an “average” girl they would offer one cow, and for a particularly striking woman they would offer three cows. In fact, no one had ever offered more than three cows. Then a rumor began to spread that a young man named Johnny had given eight cows to a particular family. The bride to be was a woman named Sereta who was seen by most as plain and ordinary.

The eight cow gift became so well known that a reporter wanted to interview the families involved for a human interest story. He began asking people about Sereta. He found that everyone was stunned at the groom’s gift because Sereta was just the average girl next door.

When the reporter went to Johnny’s house a beautiful woman answered the door, introducing herself as Sereta. The reporter was struck by how attractive and graceful she was, especially in light of the statements the townspeople had made.

Sitting down with Johnny, he asked about the eight cows, wondering if he had been taken advantage of by his bride’s father. Johnny assured him that he gladly offered the eight cows for his wife to be.

He then further explained, “Imagine several of our wives are sitting down for tea and they begin to share about the gifts their families received for the marriage. One shares her family received three cows, and another received one. How would you feel if someone gave one cow for you?”

The reporter then asked, “So you gave the extra cows for her hand in marriage?” To which Johnny replied, “Not at all. I gave eight cows because I wanted an eight cow wife. I want her to know that I value her that much, and now you see how beautiful she really is.”

Robert Heinlein said, “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” When we see the value in our partner and seek to make them know how much we treasure them, we are on the path to a passionate relationship. So may you take some time to share with your partner how much you value them.

In closing, let me share two powerful relationship principles. The first is called the “ten minute rule.” Simply put, when you meet your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife after work or school, the first ten minutes must be consumed with positive interaction. Strictly forbid any talk about your “hard day” or the bills or anything else that distracts from giving value.

Secondly, ruthlessly remove the words “always” and “never” from your vocabulary when describing one another. Statements such as, “You never listen to me” or “You always forget important dates” have a strict finality about them that can only lead to friction and to a devaluing of your relationship.

So be sure to properly express value, practice the ten minute rule, and remove “always” and “never” from your talk. Before long you will have a ten cow relationship.